"Always have the feeling I could never be the villain, because the villain in the films were always back lit" - Scroobious Pip
The year is 2006, for those of you who know me it is quite obvious that I have missed something out, but will be addressing that in my 3rd post.
Anyway..............................
The Law of Attraction is a funny thing and when understood your past behaviours become clear. One thing is clear that I had an interview for a great job, the top one in my company and decided that I was going to take it and be successful, the point was that I was the only one who knew that.
I went for the interview and was supremely confident (this faking it before making it works), in my mind I had the job and my behaviours all led to me being the ideal choice.
So after this what did I do next? well the answer is NOTHING, I let it go....
The above is important and although I did not understand the significance of it at the time but guess what? two days later I received a call and was offered the job and wait for it! a whole £20k increase in pay...
I still had my financial situation from the previous post but my behaviours have led to me attracting more money more wealth. I had no money to buy a ticket for my first month but borrowed what I could and started work. For the first month I worked hard but with no money I did not eat out for the first month or during the day, I couldn't take a packed lunch as it went bad due to the length of my commute but it did not matter.
The law of attraction tells us to ASK, BELIEVE & RECEIVE or Vision, Plan and Performance but this happened faster than I thought.
I was on a roll, right? NO!
If you are to "go on a roll" this usually means gathering momentum but what I recognise now made a fatal error... I though I'd made it!
The first few months were exciting and adrenalin kept me going but having endearing qualities and what was to become a cynical outlook on life would steer me towards difficulties.
To put it into context the behaviour that I developed was similar to what you witness from the City Boys the stockbroker the whole "Masters of the universe" mentality. This consisted of spending the day bitching, complaining, putting others down. It was not even with a select few it was myself being the fulcrum between two waring parties.
My reading matter changed to such novels as Machiavelli "The Prince" to Sun Tzu "The Art of War", sure other books were read but not for the intent of doing good but for one up man ship and not for the purpose intended.
Let just put this out there, I behaved like a cock!
Lets clear things up, my shadow cast for all my peers showed me in that light, but had a different persona within my team which was totally opposite a total dichotomy, which caused my inner conflict.
My career started very well, the results were initially achieved by me being bullish but could not be maintained. So the Law of attraction kicks in and guess what I attract? more of the same.
How did I break that cycle? well not one person challenged my behaviour not one!
One by one peoples behaviour in my peer group caused them to not be in there positions no more so what changed?
Did I become more reflective, well the answer is, Johnnie!
Johnnie is my son first and foremost, without any debate, he has a condition called Aperts Syndrome, it is usual that at a certain age a procedure is to be carried out that removes the top part of the skull from the cranium and leave spaces in between so that the brain can grow inside. This is called a vault expansion. (put back after of course, d'oh!)
Johnnie in the March was scheduled for his operation at Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital in London.
I don't think words can really describe the emotions of that day but carrying him down to the operating theatre in my arms with him laughing and giggling is a feeling that will stay with me forever. The sight of his Mum (Julie) holding him as they anesthetist placed the gas over his mouth and gently placed him to sleep was a tough thing to see.
We were led back onto to the children's ward by the nurse to await the outcome of the Operation and found the experience so traumatic that I had to walk two steps behind.
My eyes welled up and my body shook uncontrollably and fought with the emotion as I had to remain strong, I knew that my pain and anguish was selfish and that Johnnie WILL be OK, however we can all reach a point in our lives were the course of our journey can change at a split second.
That second, every remembers that second you are at a multiple crossroads with insanity the destination alone the majority of paths and as quick as you at that point of panic the quickness of the decision is vital.
Some people let it out, explode in rage or in emotion, but I had to suck up every piece of pain, anguish and fear throbbing violently in my body looked dead centre and concentrate on walking .
I heard Jack Canfield explain this in some way in the film "The Secret" and the metaphor reminded me of this feeling, maybe not verbatim but the gist of the story was that life as a journey is like travelling down a highway at night with the headlights on, sure the headlights only show the next two hundred yards and life is really like that.
In times of stress you can only see the next two hundred yards as in every journey, but do we really need to? this could be describe as Baby Steps!
Julie spent the whole operation reading a Jo Brand book and in her mind she decided that she had already ASKED for Johnnie to be OK, she BELIEVED in it and just waited to RECEIVED.
I just read discarded beauty magazines and the only thing I took out of it was knowing more about Kerry Katona and the secret life of Katy Holmes. I also had a random book called "Why do penguins feet freeze" random facts that will have no use to me.
I developed a siege mentality and this was due to my social conditioning and when things did not go right in my life was the behaviour that was the most likely outcome. (Social conditioning is a future blog)
The Operation was a success and Johnnie was fine so much in fact that the very next morning he ate the entire breakfast that I brought in for me and Julie and did some serious damage to the Jaffa Cake population of the world. (See Pics)
Johnnie recovered fully and is doing great.
Here was a child who had the top part of his head removed been in surgery for countless hours and upon awaking was at first bewildered but was happy, giggling, stuffing his little monkey face and generally enjoying life!
So what was my excuse? NONE I had no excuse whatsoever. What surprised me was the total compassion showed to me by my Manager and my colleagues and even though I had acted like a dick unconditionally supported me.
I was not going to use my social conditioning as an excuse any longer.
So what was next for me? well I retreated into myself and completely lacked vision. I did not even know what I was going to do when I walked into work, there was zero planning.
My stress levels were very high and was feeling quite ill.
The universe (my metaphor for God) did guide me and show me a way to resolve my issues, I was introduced to Kinesiology. I had hoped that seeing the Kinesiologist would help me with my ill feeling, little did I know.......
I made a decision and went to see her half expecting a wrinkly Mystic Meg character who smelt of Cats, but was surprised to find a woman of similar age to myself and basically normal!
The letting go part happened within 5 minutes of the session starting, you just have to let go. The admittance of being quite ill was hard to admit and lots of healing had to take place. Personal issues had to be resolved and finally the coup de grace my intolerance to Wheat & Cheese.
I admit it now, when I arrived home my eyes welled up with tears as the kinesiologist did say that this is my true beginning to my journey. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have cried in the last 25 years;
- Optimus Prime dying in Transformers the Movie
- My first real Girlfriend dumping me
- My first long term relationship ending (not well) with lots of debt (see First post)
- Kinesiologist healing my life time of pain
In reflection and reference to my opening quote, no one ever thinks they are the bad guy because of there circumstances does not show it. The metaphor of "Back lit" means that you cannot see your own shadow so how can you be aware of how you are perceived.
I am no longer back lit......................
My next post is all about Love and will bring you closer to NOW so that is why some people have been left out especially a little bat girl. The next post is going to be the premise of my second book which will be the definitive explanation of Love.
Thank you for your comments either on Face book or the Blog, do not feel sorry for me as I have totally forgiven myself and concentrate on the future.
I write this blog to help me develop my writing style and emotional content for my dream to become a novelist so bear with me.
1 comment:
Just read part 2. You are too hard on yourself !!!. You were very strong for all of us during the time of Johnnie's head operation. Maybe I am hardened to his operations, after a few. I didn't know you'd kept so much pain in. Don't put on a brave face for ME, be yourself. Keeping it in will eat away at you !.
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